If She doesn’t FIT, You must Quit

Every good woman wants a Psalm 1:1 kind of man and every good man wants a Proverbs 31:10-31 kind of woman. In the last few blog postings I have discussed with you about the perfect FIT and how to understand and fulfill your created purpose in a relationship. The Perfect FIT is out there and it is for you! This blog is dedicated to “God’s Man.” I want to restore, revive, and regenerate who God says that you are. A few years ago, the anthem for some women across the nation was, “a good man is hard to find.” I will admit that when I heard sisters say that, I got offended. But now I pose a question. Where are you looking for this good man? Sisters, you can’t expect to find your FIT sitting in your girlfriend’s living room night after night talking about how bad men are. I would go so far to say you can’t find a “good man” at church when all you are looking for is a man that goes to church and not a man that is saved by God’s amazing grace. Everyone that is at church is not in church. Sisters, there are still some “good men” out there and the best place to find him is on your knees. Brothers, your rib is out there but you must seek her out on your knees. She is so hidden in God that you are going to have to go seek God to find her. Check this out, if you look intently at the creation of Eve, notice that Adam did not have to “find her” but God brought Eve to Adam. That just blows the saying, “I’m waiting on my husband to find me.” Find you where? I hope in God. It was through God that Adam saw his “Eve”. Allow God to bring you “your Eve” and once this happens “your Eve” will allow, respect, and love who God purposed you to be- a LEADER. As long as you walk, stand, and sit (Psalm 1:1) in your divine purpose “your Eve” will respect you and look to you with anticipation for your leadership.

In the previous post, I shared specifically with the sisters about submitting to the right FIT. Well, I want to talk to the brothers about loving the right FIT. Paul first says, “For the husband is head of the wife…” “Husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church” (Ephesians 5:23-25). Let’s first deal with this headship. Brothers, it’s real simple. Your leadership is your worship. You are a naturally-born, God-ordained WORSHIP LEADER. It goes back to the creation. God gave you His SPIRIT. He did not blow into the nostrils of Eve; He blew his spirit into you. Let me be clear, I am NOT saying that as a woman you can’t possess the spirit of God. You can and you do; however, in keeping in line with this series, I am discussing the importance of man being entirely all that God has created him to be for YOU. The first act of leadership that God wants you to demonstrate is to lead your partner/wife into the presence of God. Why? Because those who worship God must worship him in SPIRIT and in truth (John 4:24). Guess what? From the beginning, my brother, you possessed the SPIRIT of God. Some brothers feel that it is not manly to lift up your hands to the Lord, to say hallelujah, to kneel, to bow and to worship the Lord. There is not one sissified thing about a man worshiping the Lord, as a matter of fact, it is intriguing to women. You can’t expect your partner/wife to “submit” to you when you are not being led by God. You have the spiritual authority. You have the power to come up against every single attack on your partner/wife and/or family. That power is within you. Remember, after Adam and Eve ate off of the Tree of Knowledge, who did God call first? It wasn’t Eve. It wasn’t even the serpent. God said, “Adam, where are you?” Now, rest assured God knew where Adam was because God is omnipresent; however, God was asking Adam, where is the man that I created you to be? What happened? You did not use the power I blew into you!

Now let’s deal with part two of what Paul says in Ephesians 5:25. “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church.” In order for you to do that, it is essential that you know personally about the love of Christ. Her submission and your love work hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. There are conditions for both the wife and the husband. You can’t do one and omit the other. Here is the tough question. Sisters, why are you submitting to someone who knows nothing about the love of Christ? Brothers, why are you loving someone who doesn’t respect who God created you to be?

In the Greek language, there are four words that explain love:
1. Eros love: It is sensual and sexual love… Makes your palms sweat; affectionate love. It’s the kind of love that makes your heart go pitter-pat. It’s that romantic kind of love. But that’s not the kind of love Paul is talking about, because that kind of love is a fickle love… Why? Sometimes you do and she doesn’t. Sometimes the hustle and bustle of life will cause you not to feel romantic.

2. Phileos love: It is a friendship kind of love, but that’s not the kind of love Paul was talking about either. There are times when friends will fall out of love! You’ve had some friends (or so you thought) that you fell out with or they fell out with you! They’ve moved, left no forwarding address and even changed their number.

3. Surgase love: This is family love. Those with a biological relationship to you. Paul’s not talking about this kind of love either because truth-be-told, you’ve got some kinfolk that if it were up to you, you wouldn’t claim them… You’ve got some cousins that when they show up, you go the other way. But because they’re biologically tied to you, you put up with them. Since we’re being honest, there are some couples still married because they have been going so long they are singing “It’s cheaper to keep her/him.” They’re living in the same house, but sleeping in separate bedrooms; just plain ole miserable. But that’s not what Paul was talking about. Paul is trying to show us that when a man loves a woman, it ought to be an Agape type of love.

4. Agape Love: A love that looks beyond faults and sees needs; a love that gives itself. Why, because Paul articulates, “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us…” God showed His love for us by dying… by sacrifice. I Corinthians 13 gives a true definition of love. LOVE IS REAL. LOVE IS ACTION. The lifeblood of love is SACRIFICE: surrendering your priorities and goals to the service and sacrifice toward your “rib”. Love is spiritual. Did you hear me? LOVE IS SPIRITUAL. Don’t forget, God is love. You must look at and follow the example of God through his son Jesus Christ.

Beloved brothers, you are to give unyieldingly to your “rib”, sacrifice all for your “rib” AND THEN, wash her with the water of God’s word. That is what Jesus did for us. When a man loves a woman, he ought to love her not with an Eros Love, not with Phileos Love, not with Surgase Love because these types of love can fade away. He must love her with Agape Love because this kind of love never fails. When faith is weak, when hope has dashed, LOVE! LOVE YOUR “PERFECT FIT”!

D.K. Kearney
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Wow! What a positive response from my latest blog “Does He or She FIT?” Because of the great amount of responses that I received via email etc., I’ve given a great deal of thought about what this week’s message should be about. It seems that people everywhere are searching for the right “FIT”. What do I mean when I say the right “FIT”? Having the right “FIT” means being connected with the man that God put under spiritual anesthesia and removed one of his ribs to create you. When God brings the two of you together something within your soul ought to “leap”. Yes, it’s possible! Having that spiritual connection is the most important thing. Why? Because the physical will fade away!

Well, I want to take it a step further and take a look at what Paul said in the book of Ephesians. As he states in the fifth chapter and twenty-second verse, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” One of the most controversial terms to women everywhere is the word, SUBMIT! I’m willing to bet that some of you who may be reading this right now are making a face. My prayer is that after reading this blog, whenever you hear or read that passage of scripture again, it will no longer vex your spirit and you will begin to see that submitting is not a bad thing if you are submitting to the one who “FITS.”

Let me first begin by giving you the definition of the word submit in its original Greek text. The word, submit, means to “identify with, to support, to get under, to lift up.” It does NOT mean to elevate one person over another. We shared in the last post “Does He or She FIT” that it was not God’s intention in the beginning, because He chose to make woman from a bone that He removed from man’s side. The husband and wife are supposed to be a partnership; they are supposed to work together. God gave Adam a partner not a slave or servant but someone who would share the responsibility. Here is the reason why I know that God did not intend for man to rule over woman. If you take a close look at the judgments that were pronounced after Adam and Eve sinned, God said to the woman, “your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you”(Genesis 3:16). Beloved, that was a punishment for the sin; it was not and is not God’s original intention. The good news is that because Jesus died on the cross for our sins, it nullifies what the first Adam did, and thusly, we are no longer bound by those judgments.

Sisters, I want you to recall from my previous post that you were created from the bone. One of the primary functions of the bones is to support, to uphold. Ephesians 5 makes it very clear that men have a need for respect and women have a need for love! According to the amplified Bible it says “Let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband, that she notices him, honors him, prefers him, and esteems him exceedingly” If she respects him as she should, she shows her love for him. Woman of God, it is okay to tell your man/husband, “I believe in you!” Remember you came from his rib; you are to provide for him inner security and protection. The words that you speak to him are powerful and they affect him greatly. Your words will either bring to him life or death. Calling him names, belittling him, and criticizing him, etc. are not ways to show that you are supportive of your partner/husband. You cannot expect him to love you as Christ loved the church if you don’t support him! I would contend that one of the biggest issues with relationships is not the surface stuff that you argue about, but when two people in a relationship start fulfilling roles that God did not create them to fill. God divinely placed attributes in a husband that He did not place in a wife, and vice versa. You can’t be “the man” while having a man at the same time. If you are in a relationship now and find that things are “out of order” you still have time to get them in order. Sisters, you must stop praying that God will help you to be a good partner/wife and begin to pray that God will make you the partner/wife He needs you to be for your partner/husband. There is a difference! In the first prayer you are just praying to be a good wife, in the second prayer you are asking to be “God’s wife” for your husband.

Lastly, one of the biggest clues we miss when we read this passage in Ephesians, is the fact that Paul was not speaking to the general public. Paul was speaking to those who were a part of the body of Christ. Here is my point: Why are you submitting to someone who knows nothing about the love that Christ has for the church? Understand that your submission is directly connected to his love for you like Christ’s love for the church. He can’t love you like Christ loved the church if he doesn’t personally know about the love of Christ. Thusly, you can’t submit to him. Can I just keep it real for a few more seconds? You’ve read or heard, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.” Here is the question: DID GOD JOIN THE TWO OF YOU TOGETHER? You can’t expect God to bless something that He was not a part of, or was not invited to be a part of, in the first place!

Join me next week, as I will continue this discussion on God’s plan for the perfect FIT. I am going to reflect on “IF SHE DOESN’T FIT, YOU MUST QUIT”.

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Adam&EveThe first definition of the word relationship is CONNECTION. When you connect with someone you are attached, linked, fixed, you heard the expression “joined at the hip”. I will contend that one of the major issues with relationships is the connection. Even when we look at our relationship with Christ, Jesus described it in John 15:1-8. Jesus said that He is The Vine and we are the branches. If you remain in Me and I remain in you, you can ask whatever you want and it will be yours. The key to getting what you want is in the connection. Everyone that comes into your life is for a reason; the challenge sometimes is finding or even discovering what that reason is. Thusly, begins the challenge of relationships. This blog is devoted specifically to our personal relationships that we either have or long to have with “the one.” I learned about true God-given relationships by going through the pain of a broken one. Sometimes it amazes me that often through our pain, we LEARN, we GROW! The greatest pain produces the greatest growth. Someone even said it takes dirt to make a flower grow. Trust me I wished it was another way, however, it is not. Therefore, knowing that it is going to rain on the just and unjust, you have to learn how to dance in the rain and become rain-proof. Hence, what is happening outside of you is not damaging what you have on the inside of you.

We search and go everywhere to find the best advice for relationships. Well, I want to just lift up a story that I believe has the key in helping you in your relationships and it has surely helped me.

In the 2nd chapter of Genesis we find the leading place where the idea of marriage is revealed in all of God’s Word and we must grasp what is said in Genesis before we can understand what Paul and others said in the other passages that follow. In Chapter 2 of Genesis, it reveals God’s intention of a “perfect” relationship. After God created everything and Adam went around naming all the animals; Adam had plenty of work to do. Remember God placed him in charge of all that he created. Nevertheless, in spite of all the work, Adam was lonely. That goes to show you that staying “busy” never satisfies that void of companionship/ partnership. Look, when God saw that Adam was lonely, God said, “It is not good.” Everything that God created prior, God said, “it was good” but when he saw that Adam was alone, God said that is not good. Loneliness is a pain you can feel, a knot deep inside your stomach that keeps eating away at you. I’m not talking about just being alone. I’m talking about loneliness and it hurts. You can be in the midst of hundreds of people and be very lonely. Thusly, God decided that he was going to fix this issue of loneliness; so He placed Adam into a deep sleep and withdrew from his side a rib and made woman. God’s medicine for loneliness is companionship. You were not created to be by yourself. You may be saying to yourself that you don’t need anyone; you are lying! Understand that companionship encompasses diverse means of relationships- from family, friends, associates and personal. STOP saying, “I don’t need a man. “I don’t need a woman.” Yes you do! There are things that God designed specifically for man to do, likewise, specifically for women to do.

God did not say, I am going to make a “lover for him, nor a mother of his children for him.” God said, I am going to make a “helper” for him. Because prior too, no “suitable helper” was found; the animals are able to help, but just didn’t fit. Nothing worse than having on a beautiful dress or suit but it just doesn’t “fit”; It can be the best looking dress/suit in the store, but if it doesn’t fit, it will not look right on you. Stop looking at outward appearances, you need that one that God has fashioned for you, tailor-made, so that he/she will “fit”. When God presents Eve unto Adam, Adam looks at Eve and says, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh…” In other words Adam was saying, “Wo! Man! I didn’t know you could create someone so perfect for me!” A perfect “fit”; and in that moment Adam’s loneliness is gone.

People have so many qualifications for a relationship. Many of those qualifications are superficial. It is ok to have your list but can I ask the brothers, on that list you ask God to bring to you to one he made from your rib; ladies can I ask that on your list you ask God to bring you to the man whom he took the rib out of and formed you? It’s not all about the color of the eyes, the height, the weight, the car, the house, the bank account, but it is about “The Fit.” God did not use man’s foot bone, because he did not intend for man to walk on woman. God did not use the backbone because he did not intend for man to walk in front of woman. God did not even use the head bone because God did not intend for woman to walk in front of man. God used man’s rib, which God took from his side. Do you get it? God intends for man and woman to walk side by side. It’s a partnership.

To understand your role, look at the type of substances that man was created from and woman was created from. Brothers, you were created from the dust, an external substance. You are to provide external protection and security. When you hug her, your arms should be outside of her arms. Sisters, you were created from a bone, an internal substance. You are to provide internal protection and security. When you hug him, your arms should be inside of his arms. As a matter of fact, when you look at the primary function of the ribs, it protects the lungs and the heart. Brothers, you need to understand that you can’t move, you can’t walk unless you have good bones. Sisters, you are the minister to the true essence of your man, his inner person, his heart. Brothers, God gave you his breath, his spirit. You are the priest. You have divine authority- not society authority, not masculine authority but God-ordained authority. As priests you have the authority to come up against every evil force that is attacking your home, your family, your loved ones! Remember, GREATER is HE that is within YOU, than he that is in the world.


D.K. Kearney